Dear Cheryl,I try to be a nice guy and get along with everyone, but there are two people in my workplace who are just plain difficult. One is a peer of my boss and I often have to give him information - he will publicly humiliate me, shut me down mid-sentence when I try to answer his questions, and he treats me with total disrespect. The other is a peer of mine, who takes credit for my ideas and she's always jostling for the better project, more attention from management. Sometimes I get so mad I think I will blow up at a meeting or say something I regret. I find myself avoiding them and working around them, but I know that can't last. How can I stay nice and keep working with these two? Sincerely,A Nice Guy reaching his Last Straw
Dear Nice Guy,
People may be difficult because they are still developing
certain aspects of their personality, and haven’t reached a level of
understanding and competency that would let them behave differently. If we are more developed in those areas, we
can feel compassion for them as they struggle with the results of their
underdevelopment, and make efforts to gently help them take opportunities to
practice and learn.
Or maybe they just like being difficult, or have learned that it gets them the results they want.
Either way, we need to keep them from interfering with our
purpose, so here are some general suggestions of approaches I’ve found helpful over
time.
If a person is just difficult in an unspecified way…
Try to get to know them. Get curious about their life. Imagine their childhood and what they learned
from it. Adapt your approach as though
you were dealing with that 8 year old child, while still treating them as an
equal. Celebrate what you learn about
them and give them credit for all they’ve accomplished as you learn of it. Try to find areas of commonality and
alignment, and find many opportunities to talk about those things to build
rapport. Appreciative listening, consistently,
over time.
If a person is territorial…
Help them to carve out some territory. Strategically delegate and give up territory
that’s not core to your purpose, letting them feel they’ve won it. Publicly help defend their territory when
it’s appropriate to do so. Clearly stake
your own territory and make it clear that you see the benefits of having them
keep their territory.
If a person is political…
Find areas on which you align, and make the most of
them. Help them achieve their agendas in
ways that don’t interfere with your core purpose. Publicly praise them for the things you
respect and the good things you notice, on a regular basis. Most importantly, help them achieve short-term
public wins in ways that forward your agenda or at least don’t impede it.
If a person is competitive…
Concede points whenever possible. Publicly banter with them about their
intelligence, overwhelming workload and extraordinary work ethic. Draw attention to their accomplishments in
public, even accuse them of modesty.
Help them achieve wins they care about that don’t interfere with your
core purpose. Watch what things they
compete on, and decide whether they are core to your purpose, or whether you
could allow them some “wins” over time.
If you do allow a win, ask for a favour as soon as possible, while they
may still feel some obligation.
If a person is unresponsive when you try to connect…
Do something nice for them out of the blue. Save them some time. Ping them regularly with news items that are
in your areas of mutual interest, both personal and professional. If you know who they listen to, try to build
a relationship with those people or ask them to get a response. If the person reports to someone else and
that person is accessible, copy them on an email about the topic. If they are a volunteer, copy the whole
committee on email asking for updates and responses from everyone, then publish
generally what has been received and what is outstanding. If there is someone else from whom you can
get some of what you need, do so, but make sure to copy the person and anyone
else that’s appropriate on every correspondence. As a last resort, consider showing up where
you know they will be and asking directly if they can help you with a
transition plan for the things they are responsible for.
If a person is argumentative…
Forgive them in your heart (this takes lots of
practice!). Acknowledge the extremity of
their emotion (you obviously feel very strongly about this; I can hear your
passion on this topic; maybe we need to put this issue aside for now). Identify and clarify their concerns. Engage them in discussion of what it would
take to overcome each of their concerns.
Track progress on a whiteboard.
It may be good to do this individually – ask permission to take it
offline for discussion.
If a person is disrespectful…
…generally:
Behave with integrity and do excellent work to earn
their respect. Pay attention to the
people they do respect, and identify what traits win their respect. Show yourself to demonstrate any of those
traits you possess whenever you can.
Cultivate the respect of the people that person respects. Treat the person with the utmost respect,
even slightly exaggerated. Only say good
things about the person, but choose things that are not important or are
peripheral to what the listener values.
…in public:
look directly at the person for long enough to feel
uncomfortable and let the silence catch attention from others in the room, then
look away. Maintain eye contact during
the silence, pretend no one else is in the room. You could also decide to find it amusing and
smile genially.
…also:
Whenever you reasonably can, ask for the respect you
deserve (I’d appreciate if you could use a friendlier tone; I wonder if you
would consider speaking more quietly; maybe we could talk about this offline; I
wasn’t expecting that; can you explain why you said that?). Keep your tone easy and straight-forward
without inflections of judgment. This
method could follow the uncomfortable silence if it’s systemic behaviour. Maintain eye contact, pretend no one else is
in the room.
Of course, before doing all of that, you may want to check
in with yourself again. Here are some
thinking lines you could take:
- What
about you could be triggering behaviours from this person?
- What
is different in your personalities, styles, approaches, expectation and
values?
- How
do you feel around them? What is
that based on?
- What
are you really concerned about with this person? What is that based on? What’s the worst that they could do?
- How
do you adapt your behaviour around them?
- Could
any portion of their behaviour be a response to what they perceive in
you?
- What
traits do you share with that person, both “positive” and “negative”
(although those judgments are relative).
- Is
there something you dislike in that person that you also dislike in
yourself? If so, how does that
affect the relationship?
- Do
you really want to move past the disconnect, or do you cultivate it? Why?
Is your decision helpful to your purpose? Does it hinder it in any way?
- Who
do you like/respect that likes/respects this person? What are they missing that you see? Why can’t they see it? What do they see that you’re missing?
Many people will tell you to forget all this, and just talk with the person about what you're seeing, how it affects you, and your hopes. I can't disagree - I've seen that work a hundred times. And I've seen it fail a thousand. Trying to have a real, honest conversation without first getting at least a basic level of trust can often prove fatal, especially if the person holds positional power over you. Some of the methods I've described above may help you to put the person more at ease with you, open them a little to trusting you, and start building your understanding of, empathy to, and thoughtfulness towards, the other person. At some point, you may feel ready for the heartfelt conversation that changes everything. Maybe that moment is actually now. Only you can know.
Either way, hopefully something above can
help move things forward.
Best wishes,
Cheryl
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